August Höglinger

setting
boundaries

for
ADULTS

Imprint:

Editor and publisher: August Höglinger

Translation: Mag. Simone Pfleger

Proofreading: Textservice Johann Schnellinger, Schubertstraße 8/3/9, 4020 Linz, Austria

Print: Copyright, Ing. Schürz, Prinz-Eugen-Straße 17, 4020 Linz, Austria

Cover: Projektagentur Weixelbaumer KEG, Landstraße 22, 4020 Linz, Austria

Copyright © 2002 by August Höglinger, Fröhlerweg 8, 4040 Linz, Austria

All rights reserved. This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part without permission from the publisher.

Orders to:

Dr. August Höglinger, Fröhlerweg 8, 4040 Linz, Austria

Phone: ++43 (0)732 / 75 75 77

Fax: ++43 (0)732 / 75 75 77-4

E-mail: office@hoeglinger.net

Internet: http://www.hoeglinger.net

ISBN 978-3-902410-32-0

TABLE OF CONTENTS

PREFACE

INTRODUCTION

1WHY SETTING BOUNDARIES?

1.1For whom might this book be useful?

1.2What is a boundary?

1.3Boundaries are part of my life

2HOW DO I IDENTIFY MY BOUNDARIES?

2.1Exercise

2.2Experiences with boundaries

2.3Where are my boundaries – how do I locate them?

2.4Which of my boundaries has already been reached?

2.5How do I identify the boundaries of others?

2.6How do I react in case of boundary violation and invasion?

2.7What is the difference between boundary violation and invasion?

2.8How do I cross a border appropriately if I want to or have to?

3HOW DO I DEFEND MY BOUNDARIES?

3.1How do I make sure that others comply with my boundaries?

3.2Set boundaries lovingly and say NO – how do I do that?

3.3A large territory is hard to defend

3.4What can you do with people who barely accept boundaries?

3.5Advice when criticising

3.6Warnings: yellow – red

3.7Punishment or consequences?

3.8How do consequence and tolerance get along?

3.9Boundary violations demand adjustment

4SET AND AGREE UPON BOUNDARIES

4.1Agree upon one-time and permanent boundaries

4.2Invite somebody across the boundary

4.3YES and NO –
two keywords when setting boundaries

4.4Little exercises make perfect

5RELATIONSHIPS, FAMILY AND BOUNDARIES

5.1My ability to say YES/NO is an indicator for my capability of having a relationship

5.2Boundaries are necessary for a relationship

5.3Male and female behaviour in case of boundary violations

6SETTING BOUNDARIES IN A COMPANY

6.1Orders in the company

6.2Divide tasks in the territory

6.3Aspects and recommendations for executives

6.4Aspects and recommendations for employees

6.5Sometimes we have to tear down boundaries and build them anew

7I WANT TO START SETTING BOUNDARIES AGAIN

TABLE OF STORIES

REFERENCES

PREFACE

I realised that the central meaning regarding one’s quality of life is the reasonable use of boundaries. One of the main points in my personal development is to prevent myself from attacks and to identify my boundaries, in order to define them clearly. When I discovered how much people annoy me because they tell me what I “have to do”, ask me “Why didn’t you?” and I realised a tendency towards violence, I started to deal with the topic on a professional level. Topics such as distance and closeness, contact, conflict, relationship, falling in love versus being in love are related to boundaries.

One who does not know how to deal with internal and external boundaries, causes harm to himself and others!

One who accepts that his boundaries are being crossed constantly, tries to escape or falls ill. One who does not accept other people’s boundaries and crosses them, acts violently. If we paid closer attention to our active and passive boundaries, there would be greater harmony in families, relationships, between groups, regions, religions and nations.

This book with its examples taken from different areas of life should make the reader more sensitive and help him.

Alfred Preuß

INTRODUCTION

HAPPINESS MEANS
TO KNOW AND LOVE
ONE’S BOUNDARIES.

Romain Rolland

Set boundaries for adults

The central aim of this book is to deal with the issues of setting boundaries and territorial borders regarding private as well as professional areas of life.

Today, one can find several books on how to set boundaries for our children. However, only a few deal with the subject of setting boundaries for adults. A selection of these will be provided at the end of this book.

How did I get in touch with the topic?

Alfred Preuß, who wrote the preface to this book, confronted me in a seminar with the task to “set boundaries”. This rather simple exercise had a great impact: I discovered the elementary meaning behind the terms “boundaries” and “territories” and I realised that I received a key for understanding situations in life in different ways than before. I started to be aware of the amount and types of boundaries, which I had not noticed up to this point. Furthermore, I became more sensitised towards the invasion of boundaries that I committed, inflicted or allowed.

The best teacher for setting boundaries was my wife. She always knew how to set boundaries because of her family. It often was difficult for my wife to live with a person like me, who does not know, articulate and defend his own boundaries.

During the first couple of years I tended to be hurt when having a fight but I didn’t know why. I could not define what bothered me. Only through the way she treated me and the consequences arising for myself I came to understand the invasion of boundaries and territorial claims on both parts and how to deal with them. It took me years until I was able to thank my wife for setting boundaries for me and for crossing them. With the benefit of taking a second glance on these situations, I considered it a real blessing.

Upon working as a coach and consultant, I have a professional approach towards the topic: After having guided seminars on time management for several years, I visited former attendants. Even though I observed that they had put many of my advices into practice, they all seemed to have a common problem. As they had gained time, they were still working as much as before. They were all lacking the ability to say NO and to set boundaries. Thus, I focused in my book “Zeit haben heißt NEIN sagen” eclusively on this aspect. One who cannot or does not want to say NO, will not be able to cope with his time management and self-management.

In the course of my last ten years guiding seminars and working as a consultant, I have realised how essential the topic of boundaries and territories is for the collaboration in companies. Trainings, coachings and cloisters have showed how little attention is being paid to these key concepts. Hence, it has been observed that frustration and conflicts often arise from disregarding them.

Thanks

I want to thank my friend Mag. Stefan Manigatterer for writing down my stories and for adding proverbs and additional statements.

Furthermore, I want to thank all the people that are included in this book because of sharing their personal stories with me. Thanks to my wife and my family for supporting me and for giving me all the time I have needed in order to finish this book.

Also, I want to thank all the people who proofread the manuscript and contributed new ideas regarding the contents as well as the creative aspect of this book.

Male/female form of address in the text

Due to reasons of simplicity and prevalence, I use exclusively the male form of address to represent both sexes. I thank both my male and female readers for their understanding.

1WHY SETTING BOUNDARIES?

1.1For whom might this book be useful?

This book should help readers who do not feel comfortable when having to set boundaries and say NO. Others might want to defend themselves successfully against the invasion of their boundaries or put an end to it.

Furthermore, the book might be interesting for people who have little experience with boundaries, setting boundaries or their own behaviour in relation to boundaries towards themselves as well as others. As people have started to focus on performance and power, they do not know or feel when their own body is setting a boundary.

Lesen Sie weiter in der vollständigen Ausgabe!

Lesen Sie weiter in der vollständigen Ausgabe!

Lesen Sie weiter in der vollständigen Ausgabe!

Lesen Sie weiter in der vollständigen Ausgabe!

Lesen Sie weiter in der vollständigen Ausgabe!

Lesen Sie weiter in der vollständigen Ausgabe!

Lesen Sie weiter in der vollständigen Ausgabe!

Lesen Sie weiter in der vollständigen Ausgabe!