Table of Contents

Praise

Title Page

Copyright Page

PREFACE

Introduction

A CONFLICT BETWEEN HUSBAND AND WIFE

AN INTERGROUP CONFLICT AT A SCHOOL

THE CONFLICT IN NORTHERN IRELAND

SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT CONFLICT

SOME DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE ORIENTATION OF THEORISTS AND PRACTITIONERS

A BRIEF HISTORY OF SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGICAL THEORIZING ABOUT CONFLICT

PART ONE - INTERPERSONAL AND INTERGROUP PROCESSES

CHAPTER ONE - Cooperation and Competition

A THEORY OF COOPERATION AND COMPETITION

THE EFFECTS OF COOPERATION AND COMPETITION

CONSTRUCTIVE AND DESTRUCTIVE COMPETITION

INITIATING COOPERATION AND COMPETITION

SUMMARY OF THE THEORY OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION

IMPLICATIONS OF THE THEORY FOR UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT

IMPLICATIONS FOR MANAGING CONFLICT

IMPLICATIONS FOR TRAINING

CONCLUSION

CHAPTER TWO - Justice and Conflict

WHAT FORMS DOES INJUSTICE TAKE?

TYPES OF INJUSTICE

IMPLICATIONS FOR UNDERSTANDING CONFLICT

IMPLICATIONS FOR TRAINING

CONCLUSION

CHAPTER THREE - Constructive Controversy The Value of Intellectual Opposition

THE IMPORTANCE OF INTELLECTUAL CONFLICT

WHAT IS CONSTRUCTIVE CONTROVERSY?

THEORY

RESEARCH RESULTS: HOW PARTICIPANTS BENEFIT

STRUCTURING CONSTRUCTIVE CONTROVERSIES

CONSTRUCTIVE CONTROVERSY AND DECISION MAKING

CONSTRUCTIVE CONTROVERSY AND ACADEMIC LEARNING

CONSTRUCTIVE CONTROVERSY AND DEMOCRACY

CONCLUSION

CHAPTER FOUR - Trust, Trust Development, and Trust Repair

WHAT IS TRUST?

A DEFINITION OF TRUST

WHY IS TRUST CRITICAL TO RELATIONSHIPS?

MANAGING TRUST AND DISTRUST IN CONFLICT SITUATIONS

CONCLUSION

CHAPTER FIVE - Power and Conflict

A DISCUSSION OF POWER

COMPONENTS OF POWER

IMPLICATIONS FOR TRAINING IN CONFLICT RESOLUTION

CONCLUSION

CHAPTER SIX - Communication and Conflict

FOUR COMMUNICATION PARADIGMS

FORM VERSUS SUBSTANCE: BOTH MATTER

CONCLUSION

CHAPTER SEVEN - LANGUAGE, PEACE, AND CONFLICT RESOLUTION

CONCEPTS OF LANGUAGE, PEACE, AND CONFLICT RESOLUTION

IMPLICATIONS FOR AN APPLIED PEACE LINGUISTICS

CONSTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION

CONSTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION RESEARCH

CONCLUSION

APPENDIX

CHAPTER EIGHT - Intergroup Conflict

INTERGROUP CONFLICT: SOURCES AND DYNAMICS

IMPLICATIONS FOR UNDERSTANDING AND PRACTICE

IMPLICATIONS FOR TRAINING

CONCLUSION

CHAPTER NINE - The PSDM Model: Integrating Problem Solving and Decision Making ...

A SIMPLE MODEL

PROBLEM SOLVING

DECISION MAKING

UNDERSTANDING PROBLEM SOLVING AND DECISION MAKING IN CONFLICT SITUATIONS

IMPLICATIONS FOR TRAINING AND PRACTICE

CONCLUSION

CHAPTER TEN - Gender Conflict and the Family

INTRODUCTORY OVERVIEW

IMPLICATIONS FOR UNDERSTANDING THE CONFLICT

IMPLICATIONS FOR INTERVENTION

PART TWO - INTRAPSYCHIC PROCESSES

CHAPTER ELEVEN - Judgmental Biases in Conflict Resolution and How to Overcome Them

COGNITIVE BIASES AND THEIR EFFECTS ON CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

IMPLICATIONS FOR CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

IMPLICATIONS FOR TRAINING PEOPLE

CONCLUSION

CHAPTER TWELVE - Emotion and Conflict: Why It Is Important to Understand How ...

THE NATURE OF EMOTIONS

THE INTERACTION BETWEEN EMOTION AND CONFLICT

HOW TO INTERVENE IN CONFLICT, CONTROL NEGATIVE EMOTIONS, AND FOSTER POSITIVE EMOTIONS

CONCLUSION

CHAPTER THIRTEEN - Self-Regulation in the Service of Conflict Resolution

UNDERSTANDING “WILLPOWER”

FROM HOT TO COOL: ENABLING WILLPOWER

INTERPERSONAL CONFLICT

SELF-REGULATORY PLANS AND IMPLEMENTATION STRATEGIES

MODELING/ROLE PLAY/REHEARSAL

CONCLUSION

PART THREE - PERSONAL DIFFERENCES

CHAPTER FOURTEEN - Implicit Theories and Conflict Resolution

MEASURING PEOPLE’S THEORIES

STRATEGIES OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION

CONCLUSION

CHAPTER FIFTEEN - Personality and Conflict

REPRESENTATIVE MODELS OF PERSONALITY

TRAIT APPROACHES

CONCLUSION

CHAPTER SIXTEEN - The Development of Conflict Resolution Skills Preschool to Adulthood

THE IMPORTANCE OF SOCIAL-EMOTIONAL LEARNING AND CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

EARLY CHILDHOOD

MIDDLE CHILDHOOD

ADOLESCENCE

CONCLUSION

PART FOUR - CREATIVITY AND CHANGE

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN - Creativity and Conflict Resolution The Role of Point of View

EVOLVING SYSTEMS APPROACH

THE SHADOW BOX EXPERIMENTS

THE IMPORTANCE OF POINT OF VIEW

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN - Some Guidelines for Developing a Creative Approach to Conflict

CREATIVITY RESULTING FROM CONFLICT

NOVEL POINT OF VIEW

TIME AND CONFLICT RESOLUTION

PLAY AND CREATIVITY

INDIVIDUAL WORK AND COLLABORATION

TECHNIQUES FOR STIMULATING NOVEL IDEAS

CONCLUSION

CHAPTER NINETEEN - Creativity in the Outcomes of Conflict

OVERVIEW: PERSON, PROCESS, AND PRODUCT

CONCLUSION

CHAPTER TWENTY - Change and Conflict Motivation, Resistance, and Commitment

THEORETICAL CONCEPTIONS OF THE CHANGE PROCESS

SOME IMPLICATIONS FOR TRAINING

CONCLUSION

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE - Changing Minds Persuasion in Negotiation and Conflict Resolution

AN OVERVIEW OF PERSUASION THEORY AND RESEARCH

PERSUASION IN THE CONTEXT OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION

CONCLUSION

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO - Learning Through Reflection

OUR MODEL OF LEARNING THROUGH REFLECTION ON EXPERIENCE

CRITICAL REFLECTION

ACTION SCIENCE

EXPERIENTIAL LEARNING

USING REFLECTION AND CRITICAL REFLECTION TO LEARN FROM EXPERIENCE

ILLUSTRATING THE MODEL

USE OF REFLECTION DURING CONFLICT

USE OF REFLECTION AFTER CONFLICT

ILLUSTRATING THE USE OF REFLECTION BEFORE A NEW CONFLICT

USING THE MODEL TO FACILITATE LEARNING THROUGH REFLECTION

FACILITATION OF REFLECTION DURING THE EXPERIENCE OF CONFLICT

FACILITATION OF REFLECTION BEFORE OR AFTER CONFLICT

CONCLUSION

PART FIVE - DIFFICULT CONFLICTS

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE - Aggression and Violence

THEORIES OF AGGRESSION AND VIOLENCE: FROM DISPOSITION TO CONTEXT

MORAL THEORIES OF AGGRESSION AND VIOLENCE

IMPLICATIONS FOR PRACTICE

CONCLUSION

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR - Intractable Conflict

CHARACTERISTICS OF INTRACTABLE CONFLICTS

APPROACHES TO ADDRESSING INTRACTABLE CONFLICT: FIVE PARADIGMS

IMPLICATIONS FOR INTERVENTION IN INTRACTABLE CONFLICT

Guideline 1: Conduct a Thorough Analysis of the Conflict System Prior to Intervention

Guideline 2: Given the Complexity of Intractable Conflict, Analysis and ...

Guideline 3: Initial Concern for the Intervenors Should Be to Foster an ...

Guideline 4: Initially, Orient Disputants Toward the Primary Objective of ...

Guideline 5: Elicitive Approaches to Conflict Intervention, Particularly When ...

Guideline 6: Short-Term (Crisis-Management) Interventions Need to Be ...

Guideline 7: Establish the Conditions, Initiate, and Sustain Constructive, ...

Guideline 8: The General Intervention Strategy Must Integrate Appropriate ...

IMPLICATIONS FOR TRAINING

CONCLUSION

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE - Moral Conflict and Engaging Alternative Perspectives

WHAT CONSTITUTES A MORAL CONFLICT?

THEORIES FOR ANALYZING MORAL CONFLICT

A MODEL AND PROCESS FOR WORKING WITH MORAL CONFLICT: CMM

ENGAGING THE OTHER SIDE

WORKING WITH MORAL CONFLICTS

IMPLICATIONS

CONCLUSION

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX - Matters of Faith Religion, Conflict, and Conflict Resolution

RELIGIOUS AWAKENINGS

RELIGION AS THIRD SIDE

CHALLENGES TO A RELIGIOUS THIRD SIDE

CONCLUSION

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN - Conflict Resolution and Human Rights

HISTORICAL EVOLUTION OF HUMAN RIGHTS DOCTRINES

THE UNIVERSAL DECLARATION OF HUMAN RIGHTS AS A CONTEMPORARY DEVELOPMENT

CURRENT UNDERSTANDINGS OF HUMAN RIGHTS

INTERDEPENDENCE OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION AND HUMAN RIGHTS

DIFFERENT APPROACHES BETWEEN CONFLICT RESOLUTION AND HUMAN RIGHTS FIELDS

SYNERGY BETWEEN THE FIELDS OF HUMAN RIGHTS AND CONFLICT RESOLUTION

GENOCIDE PREVENTION

CONCLUSION

PART SIX - CULTURE AND CONFLICT

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT - Culture and Conflict

THEORY

EDUCATION

IMPLICATIONS FOR CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

CONCLUSION

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE - Multicultural Conflict Resolution

INTRODUCTION: MULTICULTURALISM AS A FOURTH FORCE

THEORETICAL BASIS OF MULTICULTURALISM

IMPLICATIONS OF MULTICULTURALISM FOR CONFLICT RESOLUTION

IMPLICATIONS FOR EDUCATION AND TRAINING

APPLYING THE CULTURAL GRID TO INTERPERSONAL CONFLICT

CONCLUSION

CHAPTER THIRTY - Cooperative and Competitive Conflict in China

CONSTRUCTIVE CONTROVERSY

CROSS-CULTURAL STUDIES

LEADERSHIP IN A HIERARCHICAL SOCIETY

THE VALUE OF APPLYING THE THEORY IN CHINA

CONFLICT FOR POSITIVE DIVERSITY

CONCLUSION

PART SEVEN - MODELS OF PRACTICE

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE - Teaching Conflict Resolution Skills in a Workshop

INSIGHTS FROM PRACTICE

OVERVIEW OF THE COLEMAN RAIDER WORKSHOP DESIGN

WORKSHOP OBJECTIVES AND PEDAGOGY

SEVEN WORKSHOP MODULES

CONCLUSION

POSTSCRIPT

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO - Mediation Revisited

THEORY AND RESEARCH

IMPLICATIONS FOR UNDERSTANDING AND MANAGING CONFLICT

IMPLICATIONS FOR TRAINING

CONCLUSION

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE - Managing Conflict Through Large-Group Methods

WHAT ARE LARGE-GROUP INTERVENTION METHODS?

THREE TYPES OF LARGE-GROUP METHODS

CONCLUSION

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR - Conflict in Organizations

PERSONAL/INDIVIDUAL

INTERPERSONAL

RESOLVING CONFLICT BETWEEN GROUPS

CASE EXAMPLE

CONCLUSION

INTERORGANIZATIONAL

CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE - Eight Suggestions from the Small-Group Conflict Trenches

SUPPORT, WHEN POSSIBLE

INCREASE SUPPORT SUCCESS

BUILD THE SUPPORT RELATIONSHIP

ENCOURAGE BENEFICIAL CONFLICT

AVOID THE CONSTRAINTS OF POLITENESS

CREATE A “CONCERT”

ASSERT AUTHORITY

EXTRACT MODELING BENEFITS

CONCLUSION

PART EIGHT - LOOKING TO THE FUTURE

CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX - A Framework for Thinking About Research on Conflict ...

TYPES OF RESEARCH

AUDIENCES FOR RESEARCH

RESEARCH STRATEGIES

RESEARCH EVALUATING CONFLICT RESOLUTION INITIATIVES

CONCLUSION

CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN - Some Research Frontiers in the Study of Conflict and Its Resolution

ORIGINS OF CONFLICT

STRATEGIC CHOICE

ESCALATION

MEDIATION

READINESS FOR CONFLICT RESOLUTION

CONCLUSION

CONCLUDING OVERVIEW

RECOMMENDED READING

ABOUT THE EDITORS

ABOUT THE CONTRIBUTORS

NAME INDEX

SUBJECT INDEX

More Praise for The Handbook of Conflict Resolution, Second Edition

“Morton Deutsch, Peter Coleman, and Eric Marcus put together a handbook that will be helpful to many. I hope the book will reach well beyond North America to contribute to the growing worldwide interest in the constructive resolution of conflict. This book offers instructive ways to make this commitment a reality.”

—George J. Mitchell, former majority leader of the
United States Senate; former chairman of the Peace
Negotiations in Northern Ireland and the International Fact-
Finding Committee on Violence in the Middle East; chairman
of the board, Walt Disney Company; senior fellow at the
School of International and Public Affairs,
Columbia University

“This volume is an extraordinary resource, a much-needed comprehensive handbook on conflict resolution.”

—Arthur E. Levine, president emeritus, Teachers College,
Columbia University; president, Woodrow Wilson
National Fellowship Foundation

“This Handbook should be on the reading list of every course in peace and conflict studies and especially on the lists used in teacher preparation courses in peace education, a field that seeks to cultivate understanding of constructive ways of confronting violence, alternatives to force and lethal conflict for the pursuit of social purposes.”

—Betty Reardon, founding director emeritus, Peace
Education Center, Teachers College, Columbia University

“In the past, I have been saying to all of my students at Kyushu University and the participants in my mediation trainings, ‘If you are serious about mediation, read The Handbook of Conflict Resolution.’ Now seeing the updated and enlarged second edition, I would say, ‘Read it, for it will help you become a thoughtful and insightful mediator.’”

—Hisako Kobayashi-Levin, associate professor,
Faculty of Law, Kyushu University

Copyright © 2006 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. All rights reserved.

Published by Jossey-Bass
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Credits are on page 941.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

p. cm.

Includes index.

ISBN-13: 978-0-7879-8058-0 (alk. paper)

ISBN-10: 0-7879-8058-7 (alk. paper)

1. Conflict management. I. Deutsch, Morton, date. II. Coleman, Peter T., date. III. Marcus, Eric Colton.

HM1126.H35 2006

303.6’9—dc22

2006022684

PREFACE

The field of conflict resolution has been developing rapidly. As a consequence, we decided to update and revise the first edition of this handbook. Almost all of the chapters in the first edition have been updated; in some, the revisions have been extensive and in others, only minor changes seemed necessary. Also, we have added new chapters to cover topics that were not covered or needed more coverage than they received in the first edition.

The new chapters have an asterisk next to them in the Contents. They are important, original contributions to the field of conflict resolution by outstanding scholars and practitioners as are the updated chapters from the first edition.

In the Preface to the first edition, we characterized the purpose of the handbook, its organization, professional value, and the handbook’s orientation. All of this is expressed in this modified Preface to the first edition. The modification was made so that the description of the different parts of the book, and the chapters contained in these parts, correspond to the revised, second edition rather than to the first edition.

This book is meant for those who wish to deepen their understanding of the processes involved in conflicts and their knowledge of how to manage them constructively. It provides the theoretical underpinnings that throw light on the fundamental social psychological processes involved in understanding and managing conflicts at all levels: interpersonal, intergroup, organizational, and international.

As an area of scholarship and professional practice, conflict resolution is relatively young, having emerged as a discipline after World War II. Practice and theory have been only loosely linked. This book aims to foster closer connection between the two by demonstrating the relevance of theoretical ideas to practice. Though the link between theory and practice is inherently bidirectional, this handbook primarily emphasizes the path from theory to practice.

The theoretical ideas presented in this book were for the most part not developed specifically in relation to understanding conflict, nor to facilitate professional practice in this area. They have relevance to any area in which it is important to understand the basic processes involved in social interactions of all sorts, in various contexts—at work; in politics, schools, families, clinics, courts, and bedrooms; on highways; and elsewhere. For the purposes of this book, the authors have developed their chapters to bring out the relevance of the theories being discussed to understanding conflict specifically.

When appropriate, chapters contain three sections. The first deals with the theoretical ideas in the substantive area being discussed. The second draws out the implications of these ideas for understanding conflict, and the third is concerned with the implications of these ideas for educating or training people to manage their conflicts more constructively.

The Handbook of Conflict Resolution is divided into sections somewhat arbitrarily, and inevitably there is overlap among them. The introductory chapter gives examples of real conflicts and indicates the kinds of questions one might pose to understand what is going on in the conflicts—questions that are addressed in many of these chapters. The Introduction also has a brief discussion of the orientations of the practitioners on the one hand and the researcher-theorists on the other, to permit some insight into the misunderstandings that often occur between these two groups. It also contains an abbreviated history of the study of conflict, from a social psychological perspective, and indicates the sorts of questions that have been and are being addressed.

Parts One through Four comprise the major portion of the book and present the theoretical ideas that have been developed (mainly in areas of social psychology) that are useful in understanding conflict processes as well as in helping people to learn to manage their conflicts constructively. The authors of the chapters in the first four parts discuss the practical implications of their ideas for conflict as well as the theoretical foundations underlying the implications they draw.

Even apart from their usefulness for conflict, the theoretical ideas should be of value to anyone interested in understanding the nature of basic social psychological processes involved in social interactions of any kind. The table of contents for Parts One through Four indicates to the reader the broad range of theoretical ideas and their implications for conflict that are discussed in this section. They are grouped, arbitrarily, into interpersonal and intergroup processes, intrapsychic processes, personal difference, and creativity and change. Almost all of the chapters discuss matters that cross such arbitrary boundaries. New chapters (Chapters Seven, Ten, Twelve, Fourteen, and Nineteen) respectively deal with language, emotion, gender, and personal implicit theories as they relate to conflict.

Part Five is concerned with difficult conflicts. Two revised chapters (Twenty-Three and Twenty-Four) are concerned with aggression as violence and intractable conflict, respectively. Three new chapters have been added: Chapter Twenty-Five is focused on moral conflict, Chapter Twenty-Six is concerned with religious issues, and Chapter Twenty-Seven deals with the connections between human rights and conflicts.

Part Six contains three chapters that consider the relation between culture and conflict, each from a somewhat different perspective. Chapters Twenty-Eight and Twenty-Nine (a new chapter) examine some of the common sorts of misunderstanding that can arise when people from varying cultural backgrounds interact and what can be done to help people learn to understand one another’s cultural background. Then Chapter Thirty examines an influential theoretical approach to conflict resolution, developed in the United States, to see how it is (or is not) applicable to conflict in the entirely different context of China.

Part Seven is most directly concerned with practice. The first of its chapters presents the Coleman-Raider Model for training in constructive conflict resolution, which has been extensively used by our colleagues in the International Center for Cooperation and Conflict Resolution. Chapter Thirty-Two discusses mediation, as well as its values and limitations, from the perspective of someone who is both a highly respected mediator and an outstanding researcher in this area. Chapter Thirty-Three then discusses recently developed methods of managing conflict in large groups by someone who has coauthored the first book in this area and who is a distinguished scholar and practitioner of these methods. Two new chapters have been added to this section. Chapter Thirty-Four is concerned with managing conflict in organizations by a leading scholar/practitioner in this area, and Chapter Thirty-Five presents reflections on practice by one of the most creative practitioners in the field.

Finally, in Part Eight, we look to the future. Chapter Thirty-Six presents a framework for thinking about research on conflict resolution training. As of this writing, there has been little good and systematic research in this area. If the field is to develop and have a bright future, it needs more research. Chapter Thirty-Seven (a new chapter) presents the author’s views of the future directions that basic research on conflict and its resolution might well take; the author has been the leading researcher and scholar in this area. The concluding chapter is an overview and commentary on the current state of the field; it considers issues such as what substantive questions need to be addressed that have not received the attention they warrant—that is, the practice as well as theoretical issues.

The contributors to The Handbook of Conflict Resolution are an illustrious group of experts in the areas with which their chapters are concerned. We have asked them to write chapters that can be easily understood by readers who are not social scientists but that are also credible to other experts in their areas. Further, we suggested to them that they limit considerably the number of technical references in their chapter but add a short list of Recommended Readings to provide additional sources of information, if they desired to do so. Given the opaqueness of much writing in the social sciences, it is surprising how well the contributors have succeeded in writing clear, informative, interesting, useful, and authoritative chapters.

We believe The Handbook of Conflict Resolution is accessible and valuable to a wide variety of groups who have an interest in constructive conflict management: to undergraduate and graduate students, as well as their professors, in a number of academic fields such as psychology, education, sociology, political science, business, international relations, law, social work, and health care. It is also of value to practitioners such as conflict resolution trainers and consultants, negotiators, mediators, and those who manage or supervise others. In editing this handbook, we have learned a great deal, so we believe that even those considered “experts” can find much of value in it.

One final word about the handbook’s orientation. This handbook is concerned with finding cooperative, win-win solutions to conflict, no matter how difficult. The “black arts” of conflict (such as violence, coercion, intimidation, deceit, blackmail, and seduction) are not discussed except, if at all, in the context of how to respond to or prevent the use of such tactics by oneself or others. In our view, such tactics are used too often, are commonly destructive and self-defeating, and are less productive in the long run than a constructive approach.

We wish to thank our faculty colleagues who participated in an informal seminar on conflict resolution at Teachers College; the inspiration for this book emerged from the lively discussions in the seminar. We also wish to thank Riva Kantowitz, Kathleen Vaughan, Joanne Lim, Danny Mallonga, Will Concepcion, Kathryn Crawford, Melissa Sweeney, and Naira Musallam, who typed, e-mailed, did editorial work, and provided other invaluable services necessary to produce a completed manuscript.

July 2006
New York, New York

Morton Deutsch
Peter T. Coleman
Eric C. Marcus

INTRODUCTION

Morton Deutsch

In this introduction, I give some examples of conflicts and indicate the kinds of questions one might pose to understand what is going on in the conflicts—questions that are addressed in many of the following chapters. It also includes a brief discussion of the orientations of both practitioners and researcher-theorists to provide some insight into the misunderstandings that often occur between these two groups. It concludes with an abbreviated history of the study of conflict from a social psychological perspective.

A CONFLICT BETWEEN HUSBAND AND WIFE

Some time ago, I had the opportunity to do therapeutic work with a professional couple involved in bitter conflicts over issues they considered nonnegotiable. The destructiveness of their way of dealing with their conflicts was reflected in their tendency to escalate a dispute about almost any specific issue (for example, a household chore, the child’s bedtime) into a power struggle in which each spouse felt that his or her self-esteem or core identity was at stake. The destructive process resulted in (as well as from) justified mutual suspicion; correctly perceived mutual hostility; a win-lose orientation to their conflicts; a tendency to act so as to lead the other to respond in a way that would confirm one’s worst suspicion; inability to understand and empathize with the other’s needs and vulnerabilities; and reluctance—based on stubborn pride, nursed grudges, and fear of humiliation—to initiate or respond to a positive, generous action so as to break out of the escalating vicious cycle in which they were trapped.

Many couples involved in such conflicts do not seek help; they continue to abuse one another, sometimes violently, or they break up. The couple that I worked with sought help for several reasons. On the one hand, their conflicts were becoming physically violent. This frightened them, and it also ran counter to their strongly held intellectual values regarding violence. On the other hand, there were strong constraints making it difficult for them to separate. Their child would suffer; they felt they would be considerably worse off economically; and they had mutually congenial intellectual, aesthetic, sexual, and recreational interests that would be difficult to continue engaging in together if they separated. As is often the case in such matters, it was the woman—being less ashamed to admit the need for help—who took the initiative to seek the assistance of a skilled third party.

The wife, who worked (and preferred to do so), wanted the husband to share equally in the household and child care responsibilities; she considered equality of the genders to be a core personal value. The husband wanted a “traditional marriage” with a conventional division of responsibilities in which he would be the primary income-producing worker outside the home, while his wife would principally do the work related to the household and child care. The husband considered household work and child care inconsistent with his deeply rooted image of adult masculinity. The conflict seemed nonnegotiable to the couple. For the wife, it would mean betrayal of her feminist values to accept her husband’s terms; for him, it would violate his sense of male adult identity to become deeply involved in housework and child care.

Yet this nonnegotiable conflict became negotiable when, with the help of the therapist, the husband and wife were able to listen to and really understand the other’s feelings and how their respective life experiences had led them to the views they each held. Understanding the other’s position fully, and the feelings and experiences behind them, made each person feel less hurt and humiliated by the other’s position and readier to seek solutions that would accommodate the interests of both. They realized that with their joint incomes they could afford to pay for household and child care help that would enable the wife to be considerably less burdened by such responsibilities without increasing the husband’s chores in these areas (though doing so, of course, lessened the amount of money they had available for other purposes).

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